We asked the Couply community for questions they would like in-depth answers to, here are some of the questions we were asked:
Q1. When Are The Hardest Years in a Relationship?
Now there are so many different opinions on the hardest years in a relationship, and they all are quite different so let's go through them:
We Have The One Year Mark:
Going into year two together can be very difficult as this is the moment many couples start to re-evaluate if they truly want to be together and carry on their relationship, this is also where a lot of commitment problems or queries start to appear as the one year anniversary can worry some people and make them back out. Hitting the one year anniversary with someone really is a big step, most people take the time to think about how they feel about their partner and if they really do see a future and unfortunately it's where a lot of people break up. It is tough deciding if you see something real with your person, if you want the same things or future, or deciding if you really want to continue dating your person. The good news is once you’ve gotten past your first difficult part in your relationship you’re ready for anything else ahead.
The Next Time is Year 3:
Year 3 in a relationship is the time where you and your partner have become totally yourselves and comfortable with each other, you have told each other everything but along with the obvious positives of this there are the negatives of seeing the things you don’t quite like about your partner. Year 3 is also the time in relationships for a proposal or marriage, or if you’re already married it's the time many discuss children or have already started expanding their families. These expectations, worries, time stress and pressures will affect a relationship, it's very difficult for a couple to navigate through these difficulties while still keeping a strong bond so unfortunately year 3 can be one of the most difficult times for a couple. Using Couply to its fullest can really help couples through the difficult times by connecting them better and helping with communication. Communication problems are the reason for 65% of divorces, so getting your communication strong and healthy as early on as possible is the best way to make your relationship easier.
And Then There's Year 7:
The 7 year itch is the most common difficult time and also the difficult time that many don't get through together, ending in breaking up or divorce. The 7 year itch happens because couples lose their passionate interest in each other, 7 years together usually means there are children and work stress involved and these factors really can cause the difficult stage for a couple. For couples the routine of running around after your children and having your work responsibilities, then coming home and having all of your home responsibilities, this routine can become unexciting and tedious. This boredom kills romance at the 7 year mark, causing couples to stop having sex and stop wanting to have sex. Many couples will start to feel dissatisfied, unhappy and bored in their relationships. This is the time that really can break a couple, so working on your relationship is really important especially before you hit these stages. Once you can get past this stage, you really start to understand what works in your relationship and what parts of it you need to make a priority and work on.
Hardest Years?
When I was writing this all I kept thinking was I've never related the hardest times in my relationship to a specific year, it's good to know the most common difficult times but do difficult times really have the same year for everyone?
I think the hardest years in a relationship are not years but the times that both people have a lot going on personally as well as having their own relationship or family problems. It happens a lot, god I wish it didn't! But it does, where you both are clashing, you are both at a time where you need each other but you also both have so much on that you don't have anything to give.
This is the most difficult time, you both need to take a step back and look at your relationship to see what you can do differently and what you personally need from your partner to get through this tough spot. The reason these are the most difficult times is that each person in the relationship is so consumed with their own stress and problems that they forget to check on their partner and forget to work on the relationship, but getting through every hard part in your relationship brings you closer and closer together. It is so worth it to work on your relationship, sometimes it can be difficult to see the light at the end of the tunnel but they are your person and the love you share is worth it all.
Q2. What are some tough relationship questions that you should definitely ask?
Having a strong, healthy and open communication based relationship takes work, it takes a lot of work! But it's worth it, taking the time to sit down with your partner and ask them these tough relationship questions can seriously benefit the two of you. It can be uncomfortable to ask them, but try to push through and create this open space between you where you can be honest and talk about unspoken issues, learn new important things about each other, understand your partner deeper and stronger, and strengthen your relationship. Give these questions a go and I hope that they can really help you.
- What's a fear you've never shared with me?
- Are there any experiences or parts of yourself you're hesitant to share with me?
- Is there anything i do that unintentionally hurts you
- How would you want us to handle disagreements?
- How do you handle stress and what can i do to support you?
- Are there any past mistakes that you're afraid if I found out it would ruin our relationship?
- What is your biggest insecurity?
- What are you hoping to achieve in life? And how can I help?
- Is there something you wish I did more in our relationship?
- Do you keep things from me to avoid conflict?
- Do you feel our sex life is lacking, and are you comfortable discussing it?
- Do you have any worries about our future together?
- How do you see our lives in 10 years?
- Have you ever felt like giving up on our relationship? What made you stay and work on us?
- If we faced a problem, how would you want us to handle it as a couple?
- How important is it to you to maintain individuality while being in a relationship?
- Are there any parts of our relationship where you feel neglected or overlooked?
- What does financial stability mean to you? How do you plan to achieve it?
- What does a successful relationship look like to you?
- Are you satisfied with the amount of time we spend together?
- What do you think your parenting style is?
- How do you see us handling the differences we have in parenting styles?
- Have you ever lied to me? If so, why did you feel it was necessary?
- Do you think couples should keep secrets from each other? Why/Why not?
- How do you feel we should tackle disagreements on faith or spirituality?
- Do you ever feel trapped in our relationship?
- How do you feel about therapy or counseling if we ever needed it?
- What are your thoughts on job relocation opportunities?
- What are your non-negotiables in a relationship?
- How would you feel if I wanted to quit my job and pursue something different?
- What do you think about balancing work and family life?
- Are there any deal-breakers in a relationship for you?
- What do you think about money and how we should manage it as a couple?
- Is there anything you miss about being single?
- What are your expectations when it comes to sharing household chores?
- What are your biggest frustrations with me?
- What are your thoughts about the way we communicate? Do you think there's room for improvement?
Q3. How can you find meaning in your life together?
Finding your meaning in life is a very personal thing, in order to have meaning in your life together you need to work on finding your personal meaning first. You can do this by learning what makes you happy, finding what opportunities your talents bring you, setting challenging goals, trying committing to something you've always wanted to do, taking care of your mental and physical self always. There are some things you and your partner can explore together to find meaning in your life:
Shared Values and Goals:
Take the time with your partner to discuss your values, short term and long term goals. Find which values you share and how you can strengthen these and what you can do to work on them together. Discussing your goals is great as you can find which goals you share, then you can both work out how to reach your shared goals and what you can do to support each other's goals. Even the values and goals that aren't shared, it's great to know these and talk about how you can support each other in helping with these as well.
Communication:
Communicating with each other is a great way to find meaning together, creating an open space for honesty and communication will help you and your partner to discuss feelings, thoughts and concerns more regularly. Communicating together strongly and having an honest communication space is something that can create fulfillment personally and together.
Supporting Personal Growth:
Supporting each other's personal growth and personal development is a good way to find meaning together as you are able to have individual passions and development and then come back and celebrate it with your partner. Having a partner that supports your personal growth and development gives you a safe and open space to pursue any passions or interests you have, then leading to fulfillment and meaning in yourself and your relationship.
Shared Experiences:
Creating a list of goals and experiences you want to do together is a great way to find meaning together. By traveling, trying new activities or trying new challenges, these are great ways to feel fulfilled and feel a sense of purpose together as you tick off your list and share these moments together.
Helping Others:
Finding new ways to make positive impacts on other people's lives by volunteering, helping friends and family, and helping your community are good ways to add a sense of purpose and meaning to your lives and relationship. Helping others together is a great way to give back and find meaning in your life together.
Set Meaningful Goals:
Setting goals that are meaningful to each of you personally as well as meaningful to your relationship and then working towards these goals together is a great way to give yourselves a sense of purpose, and a good direction for you both to go in to find meaning.
Q4. How often should you have sex each day, week and month?
Having sex is such an important part of your relationship, it's the part of your relationship you should always be putting effort in for and making time for as it's where you really connect. On average you should try to have sex at least once a week, the average couple has sex around once per week. If you have the time and drive to have sex more than once every day then absolutely great! Most couples don't have the time or the sex drive for that though, having sex 2-4 times a week is a good amount for most adult couples.
Don't feel pressured to have more sex based on what other couples are doing, sex is an intimate thing for you and your partner to enjoy and connect with each other in so if you're both satisfied and happy with your sex life then that's the way it should be. The amount that you have sex isn't what's important, it's the quality of your sex and the connection with your partner during it.
If you want to have sex with your partner more often, there's no need to stress, just talk openly with your partner. Try finding out what they want more of during sex or if there's anything new they want to try or even something they want to stop doing. Talking openly with your partner about your sex life and how to improve it is a great way to improve your communication and your sex life for the both of you.
Q5. What are the chances of a relationship lasting for a long time when you argue in the early stages of the relationship?
Your relationship will last as long as you want it to if you work on it and are genuinely happy, arguing in the early stages of your relationship may feel like maybe you're not compatible or maybe it will never get better. Couples do argue and arguing sometimes can even be healthy, but I know arguing a lot in the early stages of a relationship can be off putting and stressful. So let's look into this: Why are you arguing? Arguments always come from somewhere, if you're arguing about silly little things then chances are it has absolutely nothing to do with the topic of your argument but instead a deeper rooted issue. If you're arguing constantly about the same topic then there's the problem, for instance if you keep arguing about one of you not cleaning up around the house and you just keep arguing randomly and constantly then this would be the time to sit down, discuss it and find solutions.
Discussing what would work for the both of you is so important to stop arguing, let them know what you want and changes that you think both of you can make to work better and vice versa. A lot of the time, talking to your partner and communicating your specific feelings is the best thing for your arguments. Let your partner know exactly what's upsetting you, frustrating you etc and try openly communicating about how they feel, and decide what both of you are going to do to make a change.
If you're unsure of why you're arguing, maybe it's about a million little things and you don't get why you two are arguing over these things. Try writing it down, after each argument write down the date, time, what the argument was about, the feelings during the argument, and any significant things you can think of that happened that day that could be involved. After a few times sit down with your partner, go over it all, now it's so important not to go over these arguments and just bring them up again and fight all over again so make that part clear! Discuss why the argument started, look at all the defining factors in each argument and try and sort it out together. You'll probably find a lot of these arguments are about similar things that stemmed into silly arguments, trust the process of calm communication with your partner.
About the Author
Tegan Confield is a Content Coordinator for the Couply app. Couply was created to help couples improve their relationships. Couply has over 300,000 words of relationship quizzes, questions, couples games and date ideas and helps over 400,000 people.
Tegan Confield is also a Psychology Student, and studying at the University of Stirling.
You can connect with Tegan Confield on LinkedIn here and on Instagram here.
