You meet someone new. They’re charming, witty, maybe even a little reckless. Your friends raise an eyebrow, but you brush it off. Fast-forward three months: you’re exhausted, frustrated, and asking yourself, “Why do I always end up with people like this?”
Sound familiar? That’s not just bad luck—it might be fleabagging.
Inspired by the character Fleabag from the hit TV show, this term describes the habit of repeatedly dating people who are completely wrong for you. Think emotionally unavailable types, partners with red flags waving like carnival banners, or people whose life goals couldn’t be further from yours. Fleabagging is dating déjà vu—the same mistakes, different faces.
But why do we do it? And more importantly, how do we stop? Let’s break it all down.
What Is Fleabagging?
Fleabagging is the toxic dating pattern where you repeatedly choose partners who don’t meet your emotional needs, aren’t compatible with your values, or simply aren’t capable of building a healthy relationship with you.
The term comes from the TV show Fleabag, whose protagonist embodies self-sabotage in love. She goes after the wrong people, ignores glaring incompatibilities, and winds up hurt—again and again.
Sound harsh? It’s not meant to shame. Fleabagging resonates with so many because it reflects a truth: most of us, at some point, have picked someone who was bad for us and stuck around anyway.
How it shows up in real life:
- You keep chasing emotionally unavailable partners.
- You’re drawn to drama and chaos, mistaking it for passion.
- You ignore your own dealbreakers in the name of “chemistry.”
- Your relationships drain more than they nourish.
In short: fleabagging is self-sabotage dressed up as love.
Why Do We Keep Fleabagging?
It’s tempting to blame bad luck or the universe. But fleabagging isn’t random—it’s a pattern. And like most patterns, it’s rooted in psychology, experience, and habit.
1. Familiarity Bias
We’re drawn to what feels familiar, even when it’s unhealthy. If chaos, neglect, or instability showed up in early life, you might unconsciously equate that with “love.” Healthy love, by contrast, can feel unfamiliar—almost boring.
2. Unhealed Wounds
Unresolved trauma and attachment wounds often drive partner choices. If you grew up feeling unseen or unworthy, you may be pulled toward partners who replay those dynamics. It’s not intentional—it’s muscle memory of the heart.
3. Self-Esteem Issues
When you don’t fully believe you deserve better, you settle. You tolerate red flags, excuses, and half-hearted effort because deep down, you think, “This is as good as it gets.”
4. Chemistry Confusion
That adrenaline rush you feel around someone unpredictable? That’s not love. That’s anxiety disguised as passion. But it’s intoxicating, so you chase it—mistaking drama for depth.
5. Cultural Reinforcement
Movies, music, and media glorify toxic romance. From brooding “bad boys” to chaotic relationships framed as “epic love stories,” we’re conditioned to equate intensity with importance. No wonder healthy relationships can feel underwhelming by comparison.
Signs You Might Be Fleabagging
Fleabagging isn’t always obvious in the moment. Sometimes you only notice it when you look back and realize you’ve dated the same archetype over and over again—different face, same heartbreak. If you’re wondering whether you’re stuck in this cycle, here are the telltale signs.
1. Every Relationship Feels Like Déjà Vu
You break up with one person, swear you’ll “never do that again,” and then end up with someone eerily similar. The names change, but the patterns don’t—unavailable, inconsistent, or downright toxic.
2. You’re Drawn to “Projects” Instead of Partners
Instead of choosing people who are stable and emotionally available, you’re attracted to fixer-uppers. You find yourself wanting to save them, heal them, or guide them—almost like their therapist or coach instead of their equal partner.
3. Friends and Family Always Warn You
When you introduce someone new, your loved ones immediately raise their eyebrows. They see the red flags you don’t want to. If the chorus of “Are you sure about this one?” is familiar, it’s a clue you’re fleabagging.
4. You Mistake Chaos for Chemistry
The ups and downs, the hot-and-cold behavior, the unpredictability—it feels intoxicating. You tell yourself the intensity means passion, when in reality it’s just drama dressed up as desire.
5. You Feel More Drained Than Fulfilled
Healthy relationships should feel nourishing most of the time. If every connection leaves you anxious, insecure, or emotionally wrung out, you’re probably choosing the wrong people over and over again.
6. You Ignore Your Own Red Flags Checklist
You’ve said it before: “Next time I won’t date someone who drinks too much” or “I need someone who actually texts me back.” But when sparks fly, you conveniently forget your own rules. The result? Same heartbreak, different excuse.
7. You Overlook the Good Ones
When emotionally available, grounded, and consistent people come your way, you label them as boring or lacking “chemistry.” You ghost them or friend-zone them, only to chase after someone unstable instead.
8. You Know What You Need—But Don’t Choose It
Deep down, you’re aware of your needs: respect, stability, reciprocity. Yet time after time, you go for partners who can’t (or won’t) meet those needs. It’s not ignorance—it’s self-sabotage.
If reading this list made you uncomfortable because it feels like your dating history on repeat, you’re not alone. Recognizing the signs is the first step to breaking the cycle. Awareness is powerful—it gives you the chance to pause, reflect, and finally choose differently.
The Consequences of Fleabagging
Fleabagging isn’t just a quirky pattern you laugh about with friends over drinks. Over time, it chips away at your confidence, reshapes how you see relationships, and even warps your sense of self-worth. Here’s what happens when you keep picking the wrong people.
1. Emotional Burnout
Every relationship should add energy to your life. But fleabagging does the opposite. Constantly investing in the wrong people leaves you drained—like you’ve poured your emotional reserves into a bottomless cup. After enough rounds of this, even the idea of dating again feels exhausting.
2. Lowered Self-Esteem
When you repeatedly end up with partners who treat you poorly, cheat, or simply fail to show up, you start to wonder if the problem is you. You might internalize the pattern as proof you’re unworthy of better, when in reality, it’s a cycle of choices—not a reflection of your value.
3. Skewed Perception of Love
Fleabagging rewires your brain to equate love with struggle. You get so used to highs and lows, broken promises, or constant anxiety that stability feels suspicious. Suddenly, healthy love looks “boring,” while chaos feels familiar—and that makes breaking the cycle harder.
4. Repeated Heartbreak
There’s the obvious pain too: every wrong choice leads to another heartbreak. And while heartbreak is part of life, when it becomes a pattern, it compounds. Each breakup feels heavier, because it carries the weight of “Not again.”
5. Fear of Intimacy
The more times you get hurt, the harder it becomes to trust. Eventually, you may start pushing away good partners out of fear they’ll hurt you too. Ironically, the very cycle that makes you crave love also makes you terrified of it.
6. Lost Time and Opportunities
Staying stuck in relationships that are doomed from the start steals precious time you could spend building healthier bonds—or simply enjoying your own growth. Fleabagging keeps you busy with the wrong people, leaving less room for the right ones to find you.
7. Risk of Repeating Family Patterns
For many, fleabagging mirrors old family dynamics: neglect, instability, or inconsistency. Without awareness, the cycle doesn’t just repeat in your life—it can ripple into future generations if left unchecked.
8. Physical and Mental Health Toll
Stress from toxic relationships doesn’t just stay in your head. It shows up as insomnia, anxiety, low mood, even physical symptoms like headaches or stomach issues. Your body pays the price for constant relational turbulence.
Fleabagging isn’t harmless—it’s costly. It drains your emotional reserves, undermines your confidence, and keeps you stuck in heartbreak loops. The good news? The moment you see these consequences clearly, you can start to rewrite the story.
Why Fleabagging Is So Hard to Break
If fleabagging is so painful, why do we keep doing it? The answer lies in how our brains and hearts get hooked.
1. The Addictive Pull of Drama
Drama spikes adrenaline and dopamine, creating a high. That high gets confused with love, keeping you hooked even when the relationship is toxic.
2. Comfort in Familiarity
Healthy love can feel alien. If you’re used to inconsistency, reliability might feel suspicious—or boring. So you chase the familiar, even if it hurts.
3. Lack of Awareness
Many people don’t even realize they’re repeating a pattern. Without naming it, fleabagging feels like “just bad luck” instead of a cycle you can break.
4. Fear of Stability
Deep down, some fear that choosing a stable partner means losing excitement. But stability doesn’t have to mean dull—it can mean safe, secure, and still deeply fulfilling.
5. Societal Pressure
The pressure to always be dating, coupled with a fear of being alone, often leads people to settle—even when their gut says no.
How to Stop Fleabagging and Choose Better Partners
Breaking free isn’t easy, but it’s possible. Here’s how to shift from fleabagging to flourishing.
1. Recognize the Pattern
Awareness is the first step. Write down your last few relationships and note the common threads. Seeing it in black and white makes the pattern undeniable.
2. Identify Your Needs
Get crystal clear on what you require in a partner—emotional availability, respect, stability—and stop confusing preferences (like height or hobbies) with dealbreakers.
3. Heal Attachment Wounds
Therapy, coaching, or self-work can help unravel old attachment wounds that drive poor partner choices. Healing yourself makes space for healthier love.
4. Redefine Chemistry
Start questioning what “sparks” really mean. Ask yourself: is this attraction or anxiety? Is this passion or chaos? Learn to value calm, consistent energy.
5. Set Boundaries
Stop handing out endless second chances to people who show red flags early. Boundaries protect you from slipping back into old patterns.
6. Take a Dating Pause
Sometimes the best way to reset is to step back. A dating detox gives you space to reflect on patterns without the distraction of new entanglements.
7. Practice Self-Worth
Affirm daily that you deserve love that’s healthy, safe, and fulfilling. The more you internalize this truth, the less likely you are to settle for less.
Fleabagging vs. Other Dating Trends
Dating today comes with a dictionary of trends. Here’s how fleabagging compares.
- Fleabagging vs. Ghosting: Ghosting is about ending things suddenly. Fleabagging is about choosing wrong from the start.
- Fleabagging vs. Breadcrumbing: Breadcrumbing is when someone strings you along with minimal effort. Fleabagging is you stringing yourself along by picking people who will never give more.
- Fleabagging vs. Roaching: Roaching involves deception (hiding multiple partners). Fleabagging is more about self-sabotage through repeated poor choices.
Finding Healthy Love After Fleabagging
The good news? Fleabagging doesn’t have to be your forever story. Here’s how to pivot toward healthier love.
- Recognize emotionally available partners. Look for consistency, communication, and reliability—even if it feels new or strange at first.
- Slow down. Take time to truly know someone before diving in headfirst. Patience reveals character.
- Vet partners better. Ask deeper questions. Don’t just look for sparks; look for alignment in values, goals, and emotional maturity.
- Practice self-compassion. You’ve made mistakes, but beating yourself up keeps you stuck. Learn, grow, and forgive yourself.
- Embrace healthier models of love. Secure attachment, mutual respect, and shared growth may not feel like fireworks, but they’re the foundation of lasting love.
Fleabagging is frustrating, exhausting, and sometimes heartbreaking. But it’s not a life sentence. It’s a pattern—and patterns can be broken.
The first step is seeing it for what it is: not bad luck, but self-sabotage. The next step is choosing differently—valuing your needs, healing old wounds, and daring to believe you deserve better.
Because here’s the truth: love isn’t meant to drain you. It’s meant to grow you. And once you stop fleabagging, you create space for the kind of love that feels like home—steady, safe, and still full of spark.
