Community Question: How can you get your partner trust you again if you broke their trust?
In our last webinar, we had a number of questions from the audience that we wanted to take some time to answer properly. As we do more work and launch a podcast with experts and therapists; we’re also opening up more questions from the Couply community – these are anonymous questions and the link is above and– click here to ask your relationship question to an expert.
Trust is an essential component of any healthy relationship.
It is the foundation upon which all successful relationships are built! When that trust is broken, it can be very challenging to regain it. Betrayal can cause intense pain, anger, and confusion in your partner. Rebuilding trust takes time, effort, and lots and lots of patience. It requires honesty, commitment, and a willingness to work through the underlying issues that led to the betrayal. Depending on the breach of trust, it won’t always be a quick road to repair. You’re rebuilding the road. It’s hard work.
As therapist Esther Perel says, "trust is a fragile thing, but it can be restored through the willingness to show up and the commitment to keep showing up."
Let’s explore these 5 ways you can do to take to regain your partner's trust if you have broken it.
1. Take Responsibility
Taking responsibility for your actions is an essential first step in rebuilding trust. Acknowledge the pain that you have caused and the impact it has had on your partner. According to therapist Liz Higgins, "Apologize and own your behavior. Don't blame your partner, don't excuse it, don't justify it. Just own it."
Research has shown that accepting responsibility can lead to greater relationship satisfaction. People who take responsibility for their actions are more likely to have successful relationships.
2. Be Honest Moving Forward
Honesty is the cornerstone of trust. It is crucial to be transparent and truthful in all your dealings with your partner moving forward. Even if a truth is difficult to share, it is so much better to be honest and upfront than to hide things or deceive your partner.
According to therapist Nicole Arzt, "Honesty is always the best policy. If you're serious about regaining your partner's trust, honesty is key to move forward."
3. Follow Through on Promises
Following through on your words; promises big and small is crucial in rebuilding trust. If you make a commitment to your partner, it is essential to keep that promise. However, making and keeping promises can help rebuild trust over time.
According to therapist Rachel Wright, "Following through on promises shows that you are reliable and dependable. It demonstrates that you take your partner's needs seriously and that you are committed to rebuilding trust."
It means showing up, being dependable and being a person who keeps to their word. Depending on how big the breach of trust was, you may need to think of the relationship as a new relationship entirely. You and your partner may be rebuilding together up from ground zero.
4. Communicate Openly
Open communication is essential in rebuilding trust. It is crucial to be open and honest about your feelings and really this is so important; listen actively to your partner's concerns. This can help build understanding, empathy, and when this meshes with actions and words matching up – this builds trust.
So let’s talk about this. Can you show your partner you care about them, will listen to them and show up for them? Will you engage with their fears and be there for them? These are the things that build trust.
We have a ton of resources in Couply for this; if you haven’t done it yet, taking the Enhancing Communication course in Couply will help do this.
According to therapist Samantha Burns, "Open communication is the key to rebuilding trust. It's important to have regular check-ins with your partner and to discuss how you're feeling. This can help prevent misunderstandings and build a stronger connection."
Use the Check-In feature on Couply as often as you need to track each of your feelings and review how you feel over time. Using this feature allows you to track progress and see how things improve.
5. Be Patient
Rebuilding trust takes time, and it is essential to be patient. It may take months or even years to fully regain your partner's trust. If there was a major breach of trust there will be relapses, flashbacks and times when it all comes rushing back.
It is crucial to be consistent in your actions and to continue working on rebuilding trust, even when progress seems slow.
According to therapist Kiaundra Jackson, "Rebuilding trust takes time, and it's important to be patient. It's not going to happen overnight, but if you're consistent in your efforts, you can rebuild the trust that was lost."
Finally, we have Building Trust I and Building Trust II courses in Couply that are designed for you and your partner to work though together, ask the hard questions and do the hard work. As we continue to grow we will have more trust-based mini-courses on a further array of topics!
Rebuilding trust after a breach can be a challenging process, but it is possible with the right mindset, effort, and commitment. It requires both partners to work together, communicate openly, and be patient and understanding of each other's feelings. It may not happen overnight, but with consistent effort and a willingness to learn from mistakes, it is possible to restore trust and strengthen the relationship.
Remember, trust is not something that can be demanded or forced; it must be earned through actions and behavior over time. Stephen R. Covey once said, "Trust is the glue of life. It's the most essential ingredient in effective communication. It's the foundational principle that holds all relationships."
By taking the steps outlined above, you and your partner can work towards rebuilding that foundation and creating a stronger, more trusting relationship.
References:
- Doherty, W. J., & Levenson, R. W. (2003). Forgiveness, marriage, and the trajectory of marital satisfaction over time. Journal of Family Psychology, 17(2), 255–267.
- Gordon, K. C., Baucom, D. H., & Snyder, D. K. (2005). An integrative intervention for promoting recovery from extramarital affairs. Journal of Marital and Family Therapy, 31(2), 213–231.
- Johnson, S. M. (2004). The practice of emotionally focused couple therapy: Creating connection (2nd ed.). Routledge.
- Kirby, J. S. (2019). Rebuilding trust in a relationship after betrayal. The Family Journal, 27(3), 256–262.
- Weiner-Davis, M. (2018). Divorce busting: A step-by-step approach to making your marriage loving again. Simon and Schuster.