If your partner had an unhealthy dynamic with his mother growing up, it can spill over into your adult relationship. Men who had overbearing, abusive, or negligent mothers often struggled with unresolved issues long after childhood.
These “mommy issues” stem from an inability to separate from an engulfing mother or abandonment wounds from an absent mother. This can manifest in romantic relationships in various ways.
What are Mommy issues?
So what exactly constitutes “mommy issues”? Put simply, these are unresolved wounds and complications in the mother-child relationship that carry over into adulthood. These formative challenges with maternal attachment, bonding, dynamics, and nurturing can leave lingering impacts on someone's sense of self, relating patterns, and overall functioning.
Common themes of mommy issues include:
1. Enmeshment - when the mother is overbearing, controlling, or invasive in the son's life. This prevents the son from developing normal autonomy.
2. Emotional incest - when the mother treats the son as a surrogate partner or elicits too much emotional intimacy from him.
3. Abandonment - when the mother was detached, absent, or neglected the son's emotional needs. This leads to insecure attachment and fear of intimacy.
Mommy issues can manifest in different ways but generally result in men having difficulty establishing healthy relationships with women in adulthood. Men may subconsciously seek to recreate the maternal relationship dynamic they knew, to process unresolved emotions towards their mothers, or overcorrect for what they lacked. Addressing mommy issues requires painstaking work to untangle the childhood conditioning that underlies relationship behaviors and forge a new path. Therapy can help facilitate this healing process. Recognizing mommy issues compassionately is the first step on the journey towards relational health and breaking detrimental generational patterns.
How Do Mommy Issues Develop?
Mommy issues, or having an unhealthy attachment to one's mother, can develop for a few different reasons:
1. Inconsistent or unreliable parenting
If a mother was sometimes caring but other times emotionally unavailable, it can lead to attachment issues in the child. The child may cling harder during the good times and feel anxious during the bad times.
2. Overbearing or controlling mother
If a mother is too controlling or doesn't allow enough independence, the child may rebel but also depend too much on the mother's approval. This makes it hard for them to become secure adults.
3. Abandonment
Physical abandonment or emotional neglect from the mother can cause deep wounds and relationship issues later in life. The child may desperately seek approval or closeness they didn't get growing up.
4. Abuse
Verbal, physical, or emotional abuse from the mother can distort the normal bond between parent and child. This often manifests later as anger issues or an overattachment to the abusive parent.
5. Role reversal
Sometimes a child ends up caring for the mother's emotional or physical needs rather than vice versa. This prevents normal development and boundaries.
6. Competition
A narcissistic or jealous mother may vie for attention with her own daughter, causing insecurity and neediness in the daughter.
With unhealthy attachment patterns set in childhood, someone with mommy issues may struggle with relationships, boundaries, approval-seeking, or unresolved anger as adults. Therapy can help identify and heal these wounds.
Signs of Mommy Issues
Here are some signs your partner is still working through mommy issues:
1. Needing Excessive Approval
A man with a controlling mother may seek a lot of validation from you in a bid to feel accepted. He may constantly ask if you still love him or seem unsure of himself without constant reassurance.
2. Difficulty Expressing Emotions
Men with mommy issues may have missed out on affection and emotional nurturing as children. This can make it hard for them to open up or articulate feelings even to people they love. Suppressed emotions can build resentment over time.
3. Jealousy/Competition With His Mother
Your partner may perceive you as a threat to his relationship with his mother. This breeds irrational jealousy if you become close to her. He struggles to transition you to the #1 woman in his life.
4. Avoiding Intimacy
Being vulnerable scares men with mommy issues, so physical and emotional intimacy may be challenging. His subconscious equates getting close to being engulfed so he builds walls to keep even a loving partner at bay.
5. Passive-Aggressive Tendencies
Instead of communicating your needs directly, your partner may behave passive-aggressively to punish or manipulate you. Sulking, sarcasm, or moodiness are ways he indirectly acts out childhood resentments.
6. Seeking Mother Figures
Your man may pursue much older women as friends or confidants because he still craves a mother’s unconditional love. This can crossover into emotional cheating.
7. Idealizing His Mother
On the flip side, men who grew up without an affectionate mom may put her on a pedestal. He may worship or idolize her in search of the nurturing he missed out on.
The Impact of Unresolved Mommy Issues on the Relationship
We all enter intimate relationships carrying baggage from our upbringing. When it comes to challenges with our mothers during childhood, this can leave lasting scars on our psyche and ability to forge secure attachments in adulthood. These “mommy issues” manifest in romantic connections in various destructive ways if left unaddressed.
1. Difficulty Establishing Boundaries
Those who grew up with controlling or boundary-less mothers may now struggle to set relational limits. They feel engulfed but also terrified of rocking the boat with partners. Having never learned to identify their own needs first, they have trouble standing up for themselves.
2. High Relationship Anxiety
People raised by emotionally unavailable mothers contend with crippling anxiety about abandonment. Minor issues get catastrophized because their sensitivity assumes the worst-case. Self-worth feels contingent on extreme closeness, causing them to perpetually doubt partners’ commitment.
3. Conflict Avoidance
Some mommy issues result in conflict avoidance. If a parent passionately rejected their opinions growing up, they may instinctively shy away from disagreements—even healthy ones—with partners. They feel crushed by any critique, limiting authentic intimacy, emotional expression, and issue resolution within the relationship.
4. Projecting Unrealistic Expectations
People who felt like they could never please their mother, no matter how hard they tried, often wrestle with perfectionism. They then project unrealistic standards onto partners that become burdensome. This surfaces as irritation when others can't meet their lofty expectations.
5. Fear of Engulfment
Those who lacked emotional nurturing and affection from their mother may view too much closeness as dangerous. They equate love with loss of self, struggling to set healthy interdependency limits. Despite craving intimacy, they may distance or self-sabotage when a relationship gets too serious.
6. Idealizing Potential Partners
Some people with mommy issues unconsciously seek to resolve painful voids by idealizing romantic interests. They fall in love with potential and fantasy, only to feel disappointed when partners inevitably fall off the pedestal.
7. Blurred Relationship Roles
Young children given heavy emotional or practical responsibilities commonly have blurred boundaries around intimate roles. They become compulsively caretaking towards romantic partners. This leads to resentment, poor self-care, and eventual emotional depletion.
The inability to set boundaries, be vulnerable while maintaining self-worth, or engage in normal conflict are just some examples of how unresolved mommy wounds undermine relating. The good news is with self-awareness and a desire for earned security, healthier relating can become possible over time.
How to Deal with a Partner with Mommy Issues
Here are some tips for dealing with a partner who has mommy issues:
1. Be patient and understanding
Recognize their childhood wounds are influencing their reactions. Don't take their issues personally.
2. Encourage communication
Gently ask questions to understand their relationship with their mother. Don't pry, but let them know they can open up.
3. Establish healthy boundaries
Don't get caught up in their drama with mom. Politely decline if they try to pull you into it.
4. Provide reassurance
Offer words of affirmation and plenty of affection to counteract insecurity. But avoid being their "therapist."
5. Don't compete with mom
Respect their relationship with their mother, even if you disagree with it. Avoid competing for attention.
6. Suggest counseling
Recommend they seek professional help to work through unresolved issues with their mother in a healthy way.
7. Focus on your relationship
Keep building a healthy bond based on trust and intimacy. Don't let their family drama sabotage your happiness.
8. Set a good example
Demonstrate what a stable, mature relationship looks like so they can use you as a model.
9. Be supportive but firm
Comfort them when they're upset but don't enable any toxic dynamics or behavior involving their mother.
With understanding and encouragement, you can support your partner in establishing proper boundaries and gaining confidence in themselves and your relationship. Over time, the mommy issues will likely improve.
Your partner can overcome these engrained behaviors with therapy and healing your relationship dynamics. Have patience, create emotional safety, and encourage him to face his mommy issues head-on so you can both enjoy a happier, healthier relationship.
If many of these signs ring true about your partner, it likely points to some unresolved issues with their mother that are affecting your relationship. While you can't force someone to confront their childhood wounds, you can provide an immense act of love by gently encouraging them to seek help. With professional counseling, they can unpack their emotional baggage, establish proper boundaries, and finally move forward to build the happy, healthy relationship you both deserve.
Of course, you deserve to be in a relationship that isn't hampered by someone else’s past. If your partner refuses to acknowledge their mommy issues or get appropriate help, don’t let their dysfunction jeopardize your mental health and self-worth. You may need to walk away. But if you see even the smallest willingness to change, extend grace and compassion. With time, patience, and the right help, your partner can overcome the stubborn shadow their mother still casts. A healed inner child can then fully embrace the loving relationship in front of them.
About the Author
Sheravi Mae Galang is a Filipino psychometrician and writer who delves into the complexities of love and relationships. With a Bachelor's Degree in Psychology and a current pursuit of a Master's Degree in Clinical Psychology, she explores human relationships, focusing on the psychology behind attachments, communication, personal growth, and more. Sheravi aims to increase understanding of the factors that influence relationships in order to help people nurture stronger bonds.
You can connect with her through email (sheravimaegalang@gmail.com).
