Jealousy is a green-eyed monster that most people have had to battle while in a relationship.
Whether someone was a little too flirty with your partner, or a coworker seemed a little too friendly, jealousy is a normal and natural emotion to experience.
Most people can recognize and talk about their jealousy, however not many are aware of retroactive jealousy. This type of jealousy stems from insecurity and anxiety regarding a partner’s past, rather than current events. You reading this have probably experienced retroactive jealousy, and you might not even realize! Maybe you were uncomfortable with your partner’s dating history, or maybe a little insecure about the number of people they’ve slept with. Maybe you have found yourself comparing yourself to their ex-partners.
Retroactive jealousy is a type of jealousy that is focused on a partner's past rather than their current behavior. This type of jealousy can be triggered by feelings of insecurity and anxiety about a partner's sexual history or previous relationships. People who experience retroactive jealousy may find themselves constantly thinking about their partner's past, comparing themselves to their partner's exes, or feeling anxious about their own sexual experiences in comparison to their partner's. Although these feelings may be overwhelming, there are common causes for retroactive jealousy. Understanding the root of your emotions may help you develop better coping mechanisms so you can work through these feelings.
Some common causes of retroactive jealousy include:
- Low self esteem: If someone feels insecure, they may project their insecurities onto their partner's past. For example, if this person feels inadequate they may imagine that their partner’s previous partners were better than them in that way, leading to feelings of jealousy. This individual may fear that their partner is comparing them to their ex. To combat this, a person must work on building their self-esteem. They must recognize what they are good at, be kind to themselves, and understand that their partner is with them for who they are.
- Differing Expectations: Sometimes retroactive jealousy can stem from differing expectations when it comes to sex and relationships. For example, one partner may have been very open with their sex life, and the other more reserved. These different values can cause disagreements or feelings of inadequacy. Focus on the fact that you are together now rather than letting these differences cause intrusive thoughts.
- Fear of Rejection: This cause of retroactive jealousy stems from a fear of being abandoned or replaced by a partner’s previous partners. The cause of these feelings may vary, but it is important to recognize that exes are exes for a reason! Focus on the positive aspects of your current relationship and work to overcome these intrusive thoughts.
- A Bad History: Someone who has been burned before is likely to experience some retroactive jealousy. These feelings usually stem from trust issues that developed in a previous relationship from things like dishonesty or cheating. An individual with this cause should recognize that history does not always repeat itself!
There are a number of things that you can do to overcome retroactive jealousy, including:
- Talk to your partner: Talking to your partner about your feelings can help them to understand what you are going through and can also help you to feel more supported.
- Seek professional help: If you are having trouble dealing with retroactive jealousy on your own, a therapist can help you to understand your feelings and develop healthy ways to cope with them.
- Challenge your thoughts: When you start to have intrusive thoughts about your partner's past, challenge them. Ask yourself if there is any proof to back up your thoughts. If not, try to replace them with more realistic thoughts.
- Focus on the present: It is important to focus on the present and to enjoy your relationship with your partner. Remind yourself of all the reasons why you love them and why you are happy together.
- Practice self-care: Taking care of yourself physically and mentally can help you to feel better overall. This includes eating healthy, exercising, and getting enough sleep.
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