“We’re both tops” isn’t just a punchline from queer Twitter or a meme in your group chat—it’s a real compatibility challenge many LGBTQ+ folks face in the dating world.

Sexual roles like “top,” “bottom,” and “verse” have become quick ways to signal sexual preferences, especially in app culture. But when it comes to real connection, shared positions in bed don’t always mean misalignment in love. In this blog, we explore why compatibility goes far beyond sexual labels—and how queer couples can build fulfilling, nuanced relationships even when their roles overlap.

Why Sexual Roles Take Center Stage in Queer Dating

‍The Impact of Hookup Culture and Dating Apps

In the fast-paced world of queer dating apps, sexual roles have become part of the profile checklist. Top, bottom, verse—it’s often the first thing people want to know, and sometimes, the only thing. That’s largely due to hookup culture, where people are looking for quick compatibility and efficient ways to filter matches. While practical for casual encounters, this hyperfocus on roles can flatten potential deeper connections.

The Shorthand of “Top,” “Bottom,” and “Verse”

These roles function as sexual orientation within orientation—labels that give people a sense of what to expect in the bedroom. For many, it’s a way to communicate desire, power dynamics, or preferences without lengthy conversations. It becomes a language. And in that language, “we’re both tops” feels like a hard stop—when in reality, it could be the beginning of a more creative, communicative relationship.

Why This Language Is Both Helpful and Limiting

Sexual roles provide clarity and consent—but they can also lock people into rigid expectations. Not everyone fits neatly into a single role, and when queer dating is reduced to top/bottom compatibility, it overlooks emotional, romantic, and intellectual chemistry. This narrow focus can lead to missed connections, especially if people assume sexual positions are the only thing that matters in matching.

What Compatibility Actually Means

In queer dating, there’s often an overemphasis on sexual roles—who’s the top, who’s the bottom—as if that alone determines whether a relationship will work. But true compatibility goes much deeper than the dynamics of sex. It’s about how you relate, communicate, and grow together.

✅ Emotional Alignment > Just Physical Preference

It’s easy to get caught up in physical attraction and chemistry, especially in the early stages of dating. But emotional alignment—how your feelings, boundaries, and emotional needs line up—is what sustains a relationship long term.

For example, if you’re someone who needs regular check-ins, but your partner shuts down when overwhelmed, that emotional mismatch can lead to conflict. Compatibility means being able to support one another emotionally, especially when life gets hard. It’s about feeling emotionally safe, not just physically satisfied.

✅ Communication Styles

Some people are open books, while others take time to express themselves. You might prefer talking things out right away; your partner might need space to process. Without awareness and patience, these differing styles can cause misunderstandings or resentment.

Healthy compatibility involves learning how the other person communicates—not trying to change them, but finding a middle ground. If one partner says, “I need space,” and the other hears, “You don’t care about me,” that’s a sign to work on translating each other’s needs with compassion.

✅ Attachment Needs & Love Languages

Your attachment style (e.g., anxious, avoidant, secure) plays a big role in how you relate to others. Someone with an anxious attachment might crave closeness and reassurance, while someone avoidant might value autonomy and feel overwhelmed by too much emotional dependence.

Love languages (e.g., physical touch, words of affirmation, acts of service, quality time, gifts) are also key. If your primary love language is touch but your partner rarely initiates physical affection, you might feel unloved even if they’re showing care in other ways.

Compatibility isn’t about having identical needs—it’s about being aware of them and making mutual adjustments.

✅ Shared Values, Goals, and Humor

Sexual roles are temporary; values are long-term. Do you both want kids someday? How do you feel about marriage, finances, activism, religion, or community involvement?

You can have a perfectly matched libido but struggle if your core life paths don’t align. And don’t underestimate humor—being able to laugh together, de-stress, and enjoy each other’s quirks is a form of intimacy that holds relationships together.

Even how you cope during tough times—whether through humor, retreat, or problem-solving—can reveal how well you function as a team.

In short: Being “both tops” is only a problem if you make it the centerpiece of compatibility. Real queer connection is less about role labels and more about mutual emotional resonance, communication, adaptability, and shared life values.

Navigating Mismatched Roles with Creativity and Consent

So you’ve met someone amazing—but you’re “both tops,” “both bottoms,” or your preferences don’t seem to align perfectly in the bedroom. Does that mean you're doomed? Absolutely not.

Queer compatibility doesn’t require perfect alignment of roles—it requires communication, creativity, and consent. Here’s how to approach it:

🔄 Rethink Rigidity: Labels Are Just Starting Points

“Top” and “bottom” can be useful for shorthand, but they’re not fixed identities. Many people are more flexible than they think, especially in the context of trust and emotional connection. If both of you are open to exploring, roles can evolve.

What matters is not “Who’s going to top?” but “What feels good, safe, and exciting for us both?”

🧠 Talk About Desire Beyond Labels

Open up the conversation beyond “What role do you play?” and dive into what turns you on, what intimacy means to you, and what you’d like to explore.

You might discover shared interests you hadn’t considered, like sensual touch, toys, power play, mutual masturbation, or taking turns in non-penetrative ways. Queer sex is expansive—don’t box yourself in.

Try asking:

• “What kind of intimacy do you crave the most?”
• “Are there things you’ve been curious to try?”
• “What makes you feel most connected during sex?”

🛑 Consent First, Always

Exploring new dynamics should never come with pressure. If one of you isn’t comfortable switching roles, that boundary must be respected. Compatibility doesn’t mean changing someone—it means collaborating within your shared limits.

If sex becomes a battlefield of expectations or guilt, that’s a red flag. No matter how aligned you are emotionally, mutual consent is non-negotiable.

💡 Use Tools, Toys, and Imagination

Queer sex has always thrived on creativity. Dildos, harnesses, finger play, oral sex, pegging, mutual solo sessions—the options are endless.

If penetration isn’t a match, focus on what is. Explore different types of pleasure together. You’re not limited by heteronormative scripts—so don’t recreate them unless they genuinely serve you both.

❤️ Redefine What ‘Good Sex’ Means for Your Relationship

Great sex isn’t about one position or one act—it’s about mutual satisfaction, emotional safety, and exploration. Focus on pleasure over performance. When both people feel seen and respected, the connection deepens—even if the roles don’t “match” on paper.

Bottom line: Mismatched roles aren’t a dead end. They’re an invitation to communicate, explore, and expand your definition of compatibility. The queer community has long rewritten the rules of love and sex—your relationship can too.

Redefining Sex and Intimacy in Queer Relationships

Sex and intimacy in queer relationships don’t have to follow heteronormative rules—and that’s actually one of the most liberating things about them. When we move beyond rigid definitions of what “counts” as sex, we open the door to deeper connection, creativity, and authenticity.

💥 Challenging Heteronormative Definitions of Sex

For too long, sex has been defined through a straight, cisgender lens: penis-in-vagina penetration as the “main event,” with everything else considered “foreplay” or not real sex. But in queer relationships—especially among trans, nonbinary, lesbian, and asexual individuals—those definitions simply don’t fit.

Queer sex can include:

• Oral, manual, and toy-based play
• Sensual and erotic touch
• Power exchange, kink, and BDSM
• Mutual masturbation
• Emotional intimacy and erotic talk

The truth is: sex is anything consensual that feels sexual to you. You get to decide what counts.

✍️ Building a Shared Sexual Script

Every couple has their own way of doing things—a “sexual script” based on shared desires, preferences, boundaries, and communication. In queer relationships, this script often has to be built from scratch, since we’re not handed a template.

This means:

• Talking openly about what you like (and don’t like)
• Discussing fantasies and boundaries
• Exploring together and staying curious
• Allowing your script to evolve over time

It’s not just about what happens in the bedroom—it’s about how you co-create intimacy on your own terms.

🫶 Emotional Safety and Mutual Satisfaction as the Foundation

True intimacy requires more than just chemistry—it requires emotional safety. That means being able to:

• Say “no” without fear
• Be vulnerable without shame
• Ask for what you need without guilt

Mutual satisfaction should be the goal—not performance, not comparison, and definitely not meeting external expectations. Whether you’re having sex every day or redefining intimacy without sex at all, what matters is that both partners feel fulfilled and respected.

Remember: In queer relationships, you get to write your own rules. And that’s not just okay—it’s powerful.

When Roles Are Non-Negotiable (And That’s Okay)

Let’s be real—sometimes, sexual roles matter a lot. And that’s valid.

✅ Knowing Your Needs and Deal-Breakers

If you’re a top who’s only interested in bottoms—or vice versa—it’s completely okay to know that about yourself. Sexual compatibility is a real factor in long-term connection, and trying to force a dynamic that doesn’t fit often leads to frustration or resentment.

There’s a big difference between being closed-minded and simply being clear. Preferences, boundaries, and needs are personal—not political statements.

🤝 How to Part Ways Respectfully If It’s Not a Fit

It might sting in the moment, but walking away from a mismatch is a gift to both people. A respectful exit sounds like:

• “I’ve really enjoyed getting to know you, but I don’t think we’re aligned sexually.”
• “You’re amazing, and I don’t want to lead you on. I think we’re looking for different things.”

Honesty early on saves time, energy, and heartache later. And being clear about your needs doesn’t make you picky—it makes you self-aware.

🚫 There’s No Shame in Seeking Sexual Compatibility

Sexual roles are just one piece of the puzzle—but they can be an important one. Just like you wouldn’t shame someone for wanting kids (or not), don’t shame yourself or others for knowing what works for them in bed.

Being queer means challenging norms, yes—but it also means embracing our diverse desires with pride.

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At the end of the day, “we’re both tops” doesn’t have to be a dead end—but it might be a starting point for deeper conversations.

Queer relationships thrive on communication, creativity, and connection—not strict scripts. Whether you’re both tops, both bottoms, switches, or none of the above, your relationship can work if you’re both willing to listen, adapt, and grow together.

Don’t settle for a connection that only fits part of you. Whether it’s sex, communication, values, or emotional depth—seek the kind of love that meets you fully. You deserve a relationship where compatibility isn’t just physical—it’s holistic.